Barnsley Chronicle found themselves in hot water with the LGBT community this week after publishing a bungled job advertisement.
After decades of carrying on regardless the Chronicle decided it was time to hire a proofreader, but unfortunately, in a rather ironic move, they accidentally printed the job title as "Poof Radar". The error provoked a mass demonstration outside the newspaper's offices, where protesters waved placards and threw chips at the windows and any staff taking a fag break.
When we attempted to speak to Chronicle representative, Dave Wright-Owt, he declined our request - though he did provide us with a written statement which we shall publish here in full when we've corrected all the spelling and grammatical errors.
A satirical look at all the news and happenings in the idyllic hamlet of Barnsley
Thursday, 27 September 2018
Sunday, 23 September 2018
BREAKING: Goldthorpe on Fire
Goldthorpe's latest effigy-burning festival has spiralled out of control as stray sparks ignited discarded chip bags which then spread to the Special Brew-soaked pavement before catching the wooden boards covering the house windows, leading to a domino effect throughout the village.
The fire has been raging out of control since approximately 2.30pm, and is said to have already significantly improved the area.
In a statement, council spokesperson Dave Servsum-Wright said that residents were being urged to return to their homes and take as long as necessary to pack as many of their belongings as possible - preferably remaining there until the fires have burned themselves out. We asked Mr Servsum-Wright about the apparent lack of fire brigade in attendance, to which he mumbled something about running out of water.
The fire has been raging out of control since approximately 2.30pm, and is said to have already significantly improved the area.
In a statement, council spokesperson Dave Servsum-Wright said that residents were being urged to return to their homes and take as long as necessary to pack as many of their belongings as possible - preferably remaining there until the fires have burned themselves out. We asked Mr Servsum-Wright about the apparent lack of fire brigade in attendance, to which he mumbled something about running out of water.
Monday, 17 September 2018
Council Recruitment Drive
Barnsley council has announced that its annual recruitment drive will start a little earlier this year, on 28th November.
As usual the recruitment process will be conducted by raffle, with tickets on sale at most newsagents and the Chronicle and council offices until 8th January, with the draw taking place the following Monday. Each entrant may purchase as many tickets as they like, though critics suggest that this year's controversial price hike to £87 a strip is likely to see overall sales fall dramatically from previous years figures. The council blamed having to rebuild the town library that they demolished by accident as the main contributing factor for the price increase.
As no experience is necessary, the job roles will be delegated to the winners in the order they are drawn from the hat. All entrants must be at least 16 years of age as of 11th January 2019, and should have a blase attitude to work.
As usual the recruitment process will be conducted by raffle, with tickets on sale at most newsagents and the Chronicle and council offices until 8th January, with the draw taking place the following Monday. Each entrant may purchase as many tickets as they like, though critics suggest that this year's controversial price hike to £87 a strip is likely to see overall sales fall dramatically from previous years figures. The council blamed having to rebuild the town library that they demolished by accident as the main contributing factor for the price increase.
As no experience is necessary, the job roles will be delegated to the winners in the order they are drawn from the hat. All entrants must be at least 16 years of age as of 11th January 2019, and should have a blase attitude to work.
Sunday, 16 September 2018
Atherlsey Man in Hospital After Speaking Queen's English
An Athersley man has been rushed into hospital after being attacked by locals who mistook him for a foreigner.
According to witnesses, the incident occurred outside a local off-licence when a group of youths asked the man to buy them some alcohol. When he replied in Queen's English the group incorrectly thought he was speaking in a foreign tongue and attacked him amid chants of "f*ck off back to thi uwan country".
The man - who has asked to remain anonymous over concerns for his safety - comes from a traditional non-working-class family and had previously only ever spoken in his native dialect, but was inspired to talk proper after watching The Crown. In a short statement he told us "A waint bi tranner speyk reight ageean, a can tell thi"
According to witnesses, the incident occurred outside a local off-licence when a group of youths asked the man to buy them some alcohol. When he replied in Queen's English the group incorrectly thought he was speaking in a foreign tongue and attacked him amid chants of "f*ck off back to thi uwan country".
The man - who has asked to remain anonymous over concerns for his safety - comes from a traditional non-working-class family and had previously only ever spoken in his native dialect, but was inspired to talk proper after watching The Crown. In a short statement he told us "A waint bi tranner speyk reight ageean, a can tell thi"
Wednesday, 12 September 2018
Pubs Apply for Licence Extension
It is understood that the majority of Barnsley's pubs have launched a joint application for a 28-hour alcohol license, arguing that the current 24-hour licence doesn't take into account fag breaks or the mandatory 30-minute closure to Febreze the carpets.
In a rare show of solidarity, the pubs have joined together under the banner of Pub Extended Socialising - or PUBES for short - to demand a change to current laws. Rumours that Arthur Scargill was to spearhead the campaign were quickly quashed, with one PUBES member telling us "We want to stay open for longer, not to be shut down altogether".
Barnsley council Licencing Officer, David Brown-Envelope, said that while on the face of it the request seemed out of the question, he was more than willing to meet with PUBES representatives to discuss the matter in more detail, preferably in a dimly-lit corner of a little-known pub in Denby Dale.
In a rare show of solidarity, the pubs have joined together under the banner of Pub Extended Socialising - or PUBES for short - to demand a change to current laws. Rumours that Arthur Scargill was to spearhead the campaign were quickly quashed, with one PUBES member telling us "We want to stay open for longer, not to be shut down altogether".
Barnsley council Licencing Officer, David Brown-Envelope, said that while on the face of it the request seemed out of the question, he was more than willing to meet with PUBES representatives to discuss the matter in more detail, preferably in a dimly-lit corner of a little-known pub in Denby Dale.
Bus Station to be Turned into Museum
Barnsley Council are to unveil plans to turn the recently-revamped bus station into a museum of local celebrities, after admitting the building currently serves little purpose after SYPTE cancelled all but one bus route in 2011, and with the last remaining vehicle being discovered burnt-out in New Lodge just this week.
It is thought the museum's displays will be split equally between posed photos of former cricket umpire Dickie Bird reading the Barnsley Chronicle and eating dry teacakes while holding his right forefinger aloft, and video screens showing Michael Parkinson asking different celebrities the same safe questions and gushing Barnsley-pride from the comfort of his Berkshire residence.
Debates on whether the building's glass ceiling could withstand audio-loops of Brian Blessed's voice were cut short when someone pointed out that Mexborough, his place of birth, is actually in Doncaster.
Efforts to locate Sam Nixon to request his involvement have so far been fruitless, and the council have asked for anyone who may be in contact with him or know of his whereabouts to please get in touch.
It is thought the museum's displays will be split equally between posed photos of former cricket umpire Dickie Bird reading the Barnsley Chronicle and eating dry teacakes while holding his right forefinger aloft, and video screens showing Michael Parkinson asking different celebrities the same safe questions and gushing Barnsley-pride from the comfort of his Berkshire residence.
Debates on whether the building's glass ceiling could withstand audio-loops of Brian Blessed's voice were cut short when someone pointed out that Mexborough, his place of birth, is actually in Doncaster.
Efforts to locate Sam Nixon to request his involvement have so far been fruitless, and the council have asked for anyone who may be in contact with him or know of his whereabouts to please get in touch.
Tuesday, 11 September 2018
Council to Axe Controversial "Non-job"
It has been referred to by many as "The easiest job on the council", and as of October 21st the controversial position of Work & Pensions Officer will be no more.
The current holder of the infamous title, David Dolittle, has announced his retirement next month and the council have taken the opportunity to remove the position entirely, a decision welcomed by many council insiders.
"It's a complete non-job" one council employee, who wished to remain anonymous, told us. "As of the end of the financial year 2017/2018 there were only three people registered as working in the entire Barnsley borough". That figure, combined with the average lifespan of Barnsley residents being just 53 years - thus very few making it to pension age - goes some way to explaining why this position has gained the reputation it has. "Dave does sweet FA all day. He's got no one to deal with. He just listens to Spotify and plays Minesweeper" our source went on to say.
The dissolution of the post is expected to save the council around £35k per-annum, which will be a welcome boost for the cash-strapped authority, not least because council leader Steve Houghton's Mercedes is starting to look a bit tatty.
The current holder of the infamous title, David Dolittle, has announced his retirement next month and the council have taken the opportunity to remove the position entirely, a decision welcomed by many council insiders.
"It's a complete non-job" one council employee, who wished to remain anonymous, told us. "As of the end of the financial year 2017/2018 there were only three people registered as working in the entire Barnsley borough". That figure, combined with the average lifespan of Barnsley residents being just 53 years - thus very few making it to pension age - goes some way to explaining why this position has gained the reputation it has. "Dave does sweet FA all day. He's got no one to deal with. He just listens to Spotify and plays Minesweeper" our source went on to say.
The dissolution of the post is expected to save the council around £35k per-annum, which will be a welcome boost for the cash-strapped authority, not least because council leader Steve Houghton's Mercedes is starting to look a bit tatty.
Barnsley Hospital Sews Man's Head on Backwards
In what is being hailed by some as a catastrophic blunder and by others as sheer genius, surgeons at Barnsley Hospital have accidently sewn a man's head on backwards.
Ed Bach had been admitted to Barnsley Hospital for a routine operation on a bunion, and was first alerted to the problem when he came to eat his post-op meal and got mushy peas in his hair.
It is unclear at this stage whether the procedure was in fact intentional, as Barnsley Hospital have a proud tradition of surgical experimentation and are viewed by many experts as pioneers in the field. In 1999 a man was rushed to A&E suffering concussion after a bar fight and left with his legs on back-to-front, and the hospital made international headlines in 2013 when surgeons revolutionised lung transplants by leaving the patient's original lung in place and sewing the new one to the inner thigh of someone else entirely.
Despite the initial shock, Mr Bach is said to be in good spirits, with concerns that he would no longer be able to see where he was urinating allayed by his wife who pointed out he never took much notice in the first place. His bunion operation has been rescheduled for the next available appointment, 13th July 2021.
Ed Bach had been admitted to Barnsley Hospital for a routine operation on a bunion, and was first alerted to the problem when he came to eat his post-op meal and got mushy peas in his hair.
It is unclear at this stage whether the procedure was in fact intentional, as Barnsley Hospital have a proud tradition of surgical experimentation and are viewed by many experts as pioneers in the field. In 1999 a man was rushed to A&E suffering concussion after a bar fight and left with his legs on back-to-front, and the hospital made international headlines in 2013 when surgeons revolutionised lung transplants by leaving the patient's original lung in place and sewing the new one to the inner thigh of someone else entirely.
Despite the initial shock, Mr Bach is said to be in good spirits, with concerns that he would no longer be able to see where he was urinating allayed by his wife who pointed out he never took much notice in the first place. His bunion operation has been rescheduled for the next available appointment, 13th July 2021.
Poundland Angers Customers
Barnsley's largest retailer Poundland has angered and alienated many of its customers through its controversial new policy of charging more than £1 for some items, with some complaining the prices were already too high to start with.
Many analysts consider it a bizarre move from the retailer, who's weekly takings in just one of its twenty Barnsley stores are already greater than the entire combined wealth of the South Yorkshire town.
We sent our reporters into the town centre to gauge the reaction to the news:
"Tha what?! Arz that w'rk?!" said one enraged resident. Another added "A' tha tekkin' p*ss?".
We attempted to contact Barnsley Council to get their views on the matter, but were told all senior officials were currently in a meeting with Poundland bosses to request a loan agreement so that the cash-strapped authority could re-build the recently-demolished central library - a decision they were forced to take when they realised too late that there was now nowhere to house all the books on homebrewing.
Many analysts consider it a bizarre move from the retailer, who's weekly takings in just one of its twenty Barnsley stores are already greater than the entire combined wealth of the South Yorkshire town.
We sent our reporters into the town centre to gauge the reaction to the news:
"Tha what?! Arz that w'rk?!" said one enraged resident. Another added "A' tha tekkin' p*ss?".
We attempted to contact Barnsley Council to get their views on the matter, but were told all senior officials were currently in a meeting with Poundland bosses to request a loan agreement so that the cash-strapped authority could re-build the recently-demolished central library - a decision they were forced to take when they realised too late that there was now nowhere to house all the books on homebrewing.
Monday, 10 September 2018
Holgate School Honoured in Turkey Circle Re-vamp
Though sadly demolished in 2012, Holgate School's legacy of being one of the most prolific generators of smackheads the country has ever seen is set to be immortalized in a new dedication plaque as part of the upcoming re-vamp of Turkey Circle.
Founded in 1546, for much of its life it was just another school, notable only for its staunch position on staying true to its roots and refusing any attempts at modernisation. With the creation of Kingstone School in the late 80's however, Holgate had to re-evaluate its position as new-applicant figures plummeted; the lure of the electric lighting and biro's of Kingstone had been completely underestimated by the powers that be at Holgate, leaving them on the brink of collapse.
Holgate fought back, however, in a move that would forever define them as true revolutionaries and ensure their place in the history books; they introduced heroin addiction to the curriculum. The school also brought in new measures to help students excel in the subject, such as allowing them to leave the school grounds at dinner time to shoot up, and within a mere six years of its introduction some 80% of students were choosing heroin addiction as one of their final exam topics.
Unfortunately the school was slow to adapt to changing fashions and behaviours, and as heroin fell out of favour in the mid-to-late 2000's, so new-applicant figures went on the decline once again, this time irrecoverably.
In a last ditch attempt at salvation the school splashed out on a brand new suite of state-of-the-art BBC Micro computers, but they kept sliding off the slanted Victorian school desks and were irreparably damaged before they could ever be put to use.
Though Holgate's time at the top was arguably very short-lived, a whole generation of smackheads wouldn't be where they are today were it not for the school's pioneering efforts, and the new dedication plaque is seen by many as a long-overdue mark of gratitude.
Though the date of the official unveiling has yet to be confirmed, the re-vamp of Turkey Circle is due to start in early November and expected to be finished in time for the turning on of the Christmas lights, which this year will be performed by Grammy Award-winning singer/songwriter and founder of another Barnsley School, Edward Sheerien.
Founded in 1546, for much of its life it was just another school, notable only for its staunch position on staying true to its roots and refusing any attempts at modernisation. With the creation of Kingstone School in the late 80's however, Holgate had to re-evaluate its position as new-applicant figures plummeted; the lure of the electric lighting and biro's of Kingstone had been completely underestimated by the powers that be at Holgate, leaving them on the brink of collapse.
Holgate fought back, however, in a move that would forever define them as true revolutionaries and ensure their place in the history books; they introduced heroin addiction to the curriculum. The school also brought in new measures to help students excel in the subject, such as allowing them to leave the school grounds at dinner time to shoot up, and within a mere six years of its introduction some 80% of students were choosing heroin addiction as one of their final exam topics.
Unfortunately the school was slow to adapt to changing fashions and behaviours, and as heroin fell out of favour in the mid-to-late 2000's, so new-applicant figures went on the decline once again, this time irrecoverably.
In a last ditch attempt at salvation the school splashed out on a brand new suite of state-of-the-art BBC Micro computers, but they kept sliding off the slanted Victorian school desks and were irreparably damaged before they could ever be put to use.
Though Holgate's time at the top was arguably very short-lived, a whole generation of smackheads wouldn't be where they are today were it not for the school's pioneering efforts, and the new dedication plaque is seen by many as a long-overdue mark of gratitude.
Though the date of the official unveiling has yet to be confirmed, the re-vamp of Turkey Circle is due to start in early November and expected to be finished in time for the turning on of the Christmas lights, which this year will be performed by Grammy Award-winning singer/songwriter and founder of another Barnsley School, Edward Sheerien.
Greggs Announce Vodka-Redbull Pasty
In a bid to broaden their appeal and coax some business away from the local pubs, Greggs have announced they will be launching a vodka-Redbull pasty, exclusive to their Barnsley stores.
The move will put them in direct competition with pubs such as Wetherspoons, and if successful may see them expanding their alcohol-based food offering.
Head of Important Decisions at Greggs, Dave DeBaker, told us "The vodka-Redbull pasty is really a test of the concept, but we are quietly confident that it will be a success, and have already perfected recipes for a Sam Smith's & Steak Bake and a Jagerbomb Butty. We believe this will go down a storm in Barnsley, though how well it will be received in more civilized parts of the country remains to be seen".
The move will put them in direct competition with pubs such as Wetherspoons, and if successful may see them expanding their alcohol-based food offering.
Head of Important Decisions at Greggs, Dave DeBaker, told us "The vodka-Redbull pasty is really a test of the concept, but we are quietly confident that it will be a success, and have already perfected recipes for a Sam Smith's & Steak Bake and a Jagerbomb Butty. We believe this will go down a storm in Barnsley, though how well it will be received in more civilized parts of the country remains to be seen".
BREAKING NEWS: Taxi Service Suspended
Barnsley's taxi service has been suspended indefinitely this morning as the horses went on strike.
The announcement was strategically planned for 7.49am - pub closing time - leaving the majority of the town's residents stranded in Peel Square, unable to get home for a quick wash before work or school.
Attempts to arrange replacement bus services stalled when organisers realised they couldn't remember the last time they had seen a bus, and a South Yorkshire Passenger Transport spokesman later confirmed that they only had one vehicle left in their fleet after cancelling most routes in 2011, and this was currently stranded in New Lodge and in the process of being burnt-out by the locals.
It is still unclear at this stage what the motivations for the strike are, but it is rumoured to relate to them being forced to eat left-over kebabs - tantamount to cannibalism.
We talked to one horse, a Brazilian migrant by the name of Neymor, but are unable to report what he said as none of us speak Portuguese.
Barnsley Council have yet to issue an official statement as they don't start work until 11.30am, but it is understood that Arthur Scargill is being brought in to handle the negotiations, so hopes of a quick resolution to the situation look doubtful.
The announcement was strategically planned for 7.49am - pub closing time - leaving the majority of the town's residents stranded in Peel Square, unable to get home for a quick wash before work or school.
Attempts to arrange replacement bus services stalled when organisers realised they couldn't remember the last time they had seen a bus, and a South Yorkshire Passenger Transport spokesman later confirmed that they only had one vehicle left in their fleet after cancelling most routes in 2011, and this was currently stranded in New Lodge and in the process of being burnt-out by the locals.
It is still unclear at this stage what the motivations for the strike are, but it is rumoured to relate to them being forced to eat left-over kebabs - tantamount to cannibalism.
We talked to one horse, a Brazilian migrant by the name of Neymor, but are unable to report what he said as none of us speak Portuguese.
Barnsley Council have yet to issue an official statement as they don't start work until 11.30am, but it is understood that Arthur Scargill is being brought in to handle the negotiations, so hopes of a quick resolution to the situation look doubtful.
House of Fraser Confirms Barnsley Store- With a Twist
Despite their current financial turmoil, House of Fraser have confirmed they will be opening a new store in Barnsley, trialling a different approach to retail that they hope may signal the start of a reversal of fortune.
In a radical move, the store will stock only six products; Adidas three-stripe tracksuit bottoms, Ben Sherman shirts, Nike Air Max 90 trainers, Kickers shoes, Joop aftershave and, in the women's department, Groucho Marx-style stick-on eyebrows. The traditional cafeteria is also being ditched in favour of concession stands from Greggs and Wetherspoons.
Speaking exclusively to us, Mike Ashley's glove puppet, Gordon, explained their new strategy; "Where many retailers fall down is they stock the shelves full of products and hope they will sell. Here we've taken the opposite approach, and analysed the local market to see what people actually buy. House of Fraser will essentially be a one-stop-shop for the fashion-conscious Barnsley socialite, and by incorporating Greggs and Wetherspoons, people can buy a new outfit and have a night on the lash without leaving the store. When they are sick on their shirt, we'll sell them a new one. It's genius"
When asked why there was a distinct lack of product in the women's department, Gordon replied "There's very little demand for women's clothes in Barnsley - they tend to wear the same outfit from being a teenager to a pensioner, irrespective of whether it still fits. And what market there is, Primark have most of the share. We just don't see it as a viable sector"
The store will be part of the current town centre redevelopment, with its opening provisionally slated for 2033.
In a radical move, the store will stock only six products; Adidas three-stripe tracksuit bottoms, Ben Sherman shirts, Nike Air Max 90 trainers, Kickers shoes, Joop aftershave and, in the women's department, Groucho Marx-style stick-on eyebrows. The traditional cafeteria is also being ditched in favour of concession stands from Greggs and Wetherspoons.
Speaking exclusively to us, Mike Ashley's glove puppet, Gordon, explained their new strategy; "Where many retailers fall down is they stock the shelves full of products and hope they will sell. Here we've taken the opposite approach, and analysed the local market to see what people actually buy. House of Fraser will essentially be a one-stop-shop for the fashion-conscious Barnsley socialite, and by incorporating Greggs and Wetherspoons, people can buy a new outfit and have a night on the lash without leaving the store. When they are sick on their shirt, we'll sell them a new one. It's genius"
When asked why there was a distinct lack of product in the women's department, Gordon replied "There's very little demand for women's clothes in Barnsley - they tend to wear the same outfit from being a teenager to a pensioner, irrespective of whether it still fits. And what market there is, Primark have most of the share. We just don't see it as a viable sector"
The store will be part of the current town centre redevelopment, with its opening provisionally slated for 2033.
Dickie Bird Aims for the Stars
Retired cricket umpire and attention-seeker Dickie Bird has unveiled plans to further raise his statue in Barnsley town centre so that it can be seen from space.
The statue, allegedly commissioned by Mr Bird himself when he realised he wasn't deemed important enough for anyone else to do it, has already been lifted a further five feet since its original installation in 2009 - a move which at the time was thought to be an attempt to make it harder for the council to tow away, however these latest remarks suggest that this was just the first of many planned operations to raise the statue up into the stratosphere.
Speaking at a self-funded event held in his honour, Mr Bird said "This is not about me being the greatest cricketing umpire the world has ever seen, or even the greatest person the world has ever seen. It's about reaching out to everyone through the power of cricket, a constantly-visible reminder in these troubled times that we all share a common ground".
We tried to speak to Mr Bird to qualify rumours that a projector had been installed in the statue's finger that would project his face onto the moon, but were unable to get past the swathes of white-capped, sobbing children laying copies of the Barnsley Chronicle at his feet.
The statue, allegedly commissioned by Mr Bird himself when he realised he wasn't deemed important enough for anyone else to do it, has already been lifted a further five feet since its original installation in 2009 - a move which at the time was thought to be an attempt to make it harder for the council to tow away, however these latest remarks suggest that this was just the first of many planned operations to raise the statue up into the stratosphere.
Speaking at a self-funded event held in his honour, Mr Bird said "This is not about me being the greatest cricketing umpire the world has ever seen, or even the greatest person the world has ever seen. It's about reaching out to everyone through the power of cricket, a constantly-visible reminder in these troubled times that we all share a common ground".
We tried to speak to Mr Bird to qualify rumours that a projector had been installed in the statue's finger that would project his face onto the moon, but were unable to get past the swathes of white-capped, sobbing children laying copies of the Barnsley Chronicle at his feet.
New Cinema Plans On-hold Once Again
The "on-off" saga of Barnsley's proposed multi-plex cinema has been a long one, and as it was announced this week that once again the project has been put on hold, we spoke to Barnsley Council to find out what exactly is going on.
"It's all about jobs" said Max Beta, Barnsley Council's head of Entertainment and Technology. "Quite simply, the pirate-video sector in Barnsley is just too big; opening the new cinema would put too many jobs at risk.
"We hoped to go ahead with the project in 2014 when the demand for VHS started to wain, but to our dismay the call for low-quality pirated DVD's went through the roof and an entire industry was revitalised.
"It comes down to economics", Mr Beta went onto explain. "Although we can't directly tax the income generated by pirate-DVD's, studies have proven that the entire revenue stream is spent on beer, which we can tax at a rate of 83%. This is why we forced HMV to close - they were unwanted competition".
It is unclear at this stage whether the cinema will ever go ahead, though Mr Beta predicts the most likely time to see it come to fruition will be around 2025 when Blu-rays - which are notoriously more difficult to copy than DVD's - become popular.
"It's all about jobs" said Max Beta, Barnsley Council's head of Entertainment and Technology. "Quite simply, the pirate-video sector in Barnsley is just too big; opening the new cinema would put too many jobs at risk.
"We hoped to go ahead with the project in 2014 when the demand for VHS started to wain, but to our dismay the call for low-quality pirated DVD's went through the roof and an entire industry was revitalised.
"It comes down to economics", Mr Beta went onto explain. "Although we can't directly tax the income generated by pirate-DVD's, studies have proven that the entire revenue stream is spent on beer, which we can tax at a rate of 83%. This is why we forced HMV to close - they were unwanted competition".
It is unclear at this stage whether the cinema will ever go ahead, though Mr Beta predicts the most likely time to see it come to fruition will be around 2025 when Blu-rays - which are notoriously more difficult to copy than DVD's - become popular.
Sunday, 9 September 2018
Consultation Announced as Smackhead Revenue Streams Dry Up
A consultation will be held for all smackheads at 10am at The Groggers Rest a week on Saturday to discuss new tactics to extort money from the public, as traditional methods prove to be no longer viable.
For years, smackheads relied on the tried-and-true catchphrases of "Lend us ten pence fo' bus maaate" and "Lend us ten pence t' phone me dad maaaaate", but in today's society with neither a phonebox nor peasant wagon in sight, these tissue-thin ploys are failing to convince even the simplest of victims.
Though demand - and consequently the price - for heroin has fallen in recent years thanks largely to the closure of the addiction's main feeder stream, Holgate School, many smackheads are still struggling to make ends meet.
Anyone wishing to attend the event should meet at Turkey Circle at 9.30am, where they will be safely escorted to the venue, conga-style, by local empathist and sympathiser David Human-Write. While refreshments will be provided, no heroin will be available on the day so shooting-up in advance is recommended.
Attendees are also encouraged to write down any suggestions, ideas or questions they have beforehand lest they forget them in their drug-fueled stupor once the consultation has started.
For years, smackheads relied on the tried-and-true catchphrases of "Lend us ten pence fo' bus maaate" and "Lend us ten pence t' phone me dad maaaaate", but in today's society with neither a phonebox nor peasant wagon in sight, these tissue-thin ploys are failing to convince even the simplest of victims.
Though demand - and consequently the price - for heroin has fallen in recent years thanks largely to the closure of the addiction's main feeder stream, Holgate School, many smackheads are still struggling to make ends meet.
Anyone wishing to attend the event should meet at Turkey Circle at 9.30am, where they will be safely escorted to the venue, conga-style, by local empathist and sympathiser David Human-Write. While refreshments will be provided, no heroin will be available on the day so shooting-up in advance is recommended.
Attendees are also encouraged to write down any suggestions, ideas or questions they have beforehand lest they forget them in their drug-fueled stupor once the consultation has started.
Residents in State of Panic
Residents in Goldthorpe are said to be in a state of panic as job vacancies get closer to home.
The areas surrounding the former coal-mining village have enjoyed a boon of re-development over the last 20 years that has seen thousands of well-paid, low-skilled job vacancies created, though fortunately all a horse and cart-ride away which has prevented the residents of Goldthorpe - whose Special Brew-lined streets are impassable to the humble steed - from accessing them.
Concerns started to set in, however, when Aldi opened a warehouse within walking distance of Goldthorpe high street- an event which saw requests for leg amputations at Mexborough hospital rocket to record levels.
Local resident, Cole Minor, talked to us about his fears; "Fo' thetty-odd years wiv bin able t' use Thatcher as a reason not t' w'rk, n' ivry one's bought it, but nar the' goin' n' meckin jobs in sight of us arzes wer runnin' art a' excuses - wer f*cked".
It seems that not everyone views this as a doomsday scenario though; Goldthorpe's under-11 contingent, which account for approximately 90% of the demographic, are seeing this as a golden opportunity to come out from the chimneys and spend more time drinking, which in turn casts a promising outlook for local Michelin-starred winery and restaurant The Rusty Dudley who are predicting a 7000% increase in sales of Mad Dog 20/20 by the year end.
The areas surrounding the former coal-mining village have enjoyed a boon of re-development over the last 20 years that has seen thousands of well-paid, low-skilled job vacancies created, though fortunately all a horse and cart-ride away which has prevented the residents of Goldthorpe - whose Special Brew-lined streets are impassable to the humble steed - from accessing them.
Concerns started to set in, however, when Aldi opened a warehouse within walking distance of Goldthorpe high street- an event which saw requests for leg amputations at Mexborough hospital rocket to record levels.
Local resident, Cole Minor, talked to us about his fears; "Fo' thetty-odd years wiv bin able t' use Thatcher as a reason not t' w'rk, n' ivry one's bought it, but nar the' goin' n' meckin jobs in sight of us arzes wer runnin' art a' excuses - wer f*cked".
It seems that not everyone views this as a doomsday scenario though; Goldthorpe's under-11 contingent, which account for approximately 90% of the demographic, are seeing this as a golden opportunity to come out from the chimneys and spend more time drinking, which in turn casts a promising outlook for local Michelin-starred winery and restaurant The Rusty Dudley who are predicting a 7000% increase in sales of Mad Dog 20/20 by the year end.
Chainsaw Attacker Due for Early Release
A Barnsley resident who was recently jailed for a chainsaw attack on his neighbour may get an early release thanks to the intervention of Barnsley Council.
Originally sentenced to 24 months and expected to serve at least 8 days of that, his sentence is now due to be reduced to 1 hour 45 minutes after the cash-strapped council requested his services to cut down trees from greenbelt land in preparation for a new pub development.
Explaining the reasoning behind the controversial decision, Licencing Officer David Brown-Envelope told us "We're between a rock and a hard place. 90% of the council's revenue comes from back-handers to issue alcohol licences, and we're running out of room to open new pubs".
The council recently demolished the town centre library, after realising that local residents gained their knowledge from Facebook and their local pub rather than books, but this has done little to abate the real-estate shortage.
The move to develop greenbelt land has been strongly opposed by locals, who object to having to walk further or take a horse and cart to get to the proposed new bar complex. One angry resident, 55 year-old great-grandmother Sally Mutton, had this to say; "It's abart time thi shut darn summa them cluaths shops and made them in t' pubs. Folk aren't art buyin' cluaths all the time- ave bin wearin' the same mini skirt an' boob tube since a woh 15. Thez a Primark ent market, that's enough. An' all these shops sellin' body wash- thez jus' no neead".
Originally sentenced to 24 months and expected to serve at least 8 days of that, his sentence is now due to be reduced to 1 hour 45 minutes after the cash-strapped council requested his services to cut down trees from greenbelt land in preparation for a new pub development.
Explaining the reasoning behind the controversial decision, Licencing Officer David Brown-Envelope told us "We're between a rock and a hard place. 90% of the council's revenue comes from back-handers to issue alcohol licences, and we're running out of room to open new pubs".
The council recently demolished the town centre library, after realising that local residents gained their knowledge from Facebook and their local pub rather than books, but this has done little to abate the real-estate shortage.
The move to develop greenbelt land has been strongly opposed by locals, who object to having to walk further or take a horse and cart to get to the proposed new bar complex. One angry resident, 55 year-old great-grandmother Sally Mutton, had this to say; "It's abart time thi shut darn summa them cluaths shops and made them in t' pubs. Folk aren't art buyin' cluaths all the time- ave bin wearin' the same mini skirt an' boob tube since a woh 15. Thez a Primark ent market, that's enough. An' all these shops sellin' body wash- thez jus' no neead".
Taxis to Get Upgrade
Barnsley Council is set to give its taxi service a jolt into the 21st century by replacing the entire fleet with Ford Anglia's.
Speaking to us about the decision, Head of Procurement Dave Spendwell told us "Horse and carts have had their day. They used to be an economical option, as the horses could eat for free on left-over kebabs and we were able to further offset upkeep and maintenance costs by selling the manure to local marijuana growers, but these days it's just too time consuming and costly to separate it from the litter and sick".
The decision to choose the Ford Anglia was made after Mr Spendwell watched "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets" and was immediately impressed by its huge passenger capacity and ability to fly- the latter, he noted, being a feature that would be useful in negotiating passed-out locals laying in the road.
The announcement hasn't been welcomed by all, however, with some sceptics concerned that the current fare of £10 per-mile will be increased to pay for the new fleet and eat into their beer money. In response, Mr Spendwell assured us that fares would not be increasing and the scheme would be fully-funded by making the nightly fights in the taxi queue a ticketed event, and that he was in talks with Sky Sports over a licensing deal that would see these added to their pay-per-view rosta.
Speaking to us about the decision, Head of Procurement Dave Spendwell told us "Horse and carts have had their day. They used to be an economical option, as the horses could eat for free on left-over kebabs and we were able to further offset upkeep and maintenance costs by selling the manure to local marijuana growers, but these days it's just too time consuming and costly to separate it from the litter and sick".
The decision to choose the Ford Anglia was made after Mr Spendwell watched "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets" and was immediately impressed by its huge passenger capacity and ability to fly- the latter, he noted, being a feature that would be useful in negotiating passed-out locals laying in the road.
The announcement hasn't been welcomed by all, however, with some sceptics concerned that the current fare of £10 per-mile will be increased to pay for the new fleet and eat into their beer money. In response, Mr Spendwell assured us that fares would not be increasing and the scheme would be fully-funded by making the nightly fights in the taxi queue a ticketed event, and that he was in talks with Sky Sports over a licensing deal that would see these added to their pay-per-view rosta.
Pubs Almost Forced to Close During Knife Rampage
Barnsley town centre was on lockdown this morning as a woman ran amok with a large knife, stabbing one person. Police declared the situation as a "major incident", warning pubs might have to close for up to an hour.
One witness, who didn't provide his name because he couldn't pronounce it, told us "it wa one o' them foreigners, she 'ad a scarf on 'er 'ead and wer shoutin' in Muslim".
The incident occurred at around 8.20am- typically a busy time in the town centre as pubs re-open at 8.19am after closing for half an hour so the carpets can be sprayed with Febreze.
Local landlord, Dave Tetley-Brewer, spoke of the ensuing confusion; "Folk dint know what t' do. Thi dint know whither t' go art an' shart racial abuse an' "COME ON THEN!", or just ignore it an' 'ave a few moor pints"
Indeed, the state of confusion amongst onlookers was such that the attacker was able to drop her handbag while pursuing her victim and return several minutes later to find it still in the same place.
Police investigations were initially hampered as they were forced to wade knee-deep through takeaway cartons and sick in their search for evidence, though sniffer dogs were quickly deployed to dispose of last night's left-over kebabs and officers scored a lucky break when they realised the weapon had been thrown in a litter bin and as such was the only item in there.
While one person sustained minor injuries, many more are believed to have been left famished as Greggs was forced to close its doors until police deemed it safe for shops to re-open.
A 28 year old woman was arrested at the scene and will appear in the stocks outside Barnsley town hall next Wednesday, where local residents will be encouraged to throw cold chips and empty pint pots at her.
One witness, who didn't provide his name because he couldn't pronounce it, told us "it wa one o' them foreigners, she 'ad a scarf on 'er 'ead and wer shoutin' in Muslim".
The incident occurred at around 8.20am- typically a busy time in the town centre as pubs re-open at 8.19am after closing for half an hour so the carpets can be sprayed with Febreze.
Local landlord, Dave Tetley-Brewer, spoke of the ensuing confusion; "Folk dint know what t' do. Thi dint know whither t' go art an' shart racial abuse an' "COME ON THEN!", or just ignore it an' 'ave a few moor pints"
Indeed, the state of confusion amongst onlookers was such that the attacker was able to drop her handbag while pursuing her victim and return several minutes later to find it still in the same place.
Police investigations were initially hampered as they were forced to wade knee-deep through takeaway cartons and sick in their search for evidence, though sniffer dogs were quickly deployed to dispose of last night's left-over kebabs and officers scored a lucky break when they realised the weapon had been thrown in a litter bin and as such was the only item in there.
While one person sustained minor injuries, many more are believed to have been left famished as Greggs was forced to close its doors until police deemed it safe for shops to re-open.
A 28 year old woman was arrested at the scene and will appear in the stocks outside Barnsley town hall next Wednesday, where local residents will be encouraged to throw cold chips and empty pint pots at her.
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