A consultation will be held for all smackheads at 10am at The Groggers Rest a week on Saturday to discuss new tactics to extort money from the public, as traditional methods prove to be no longer viable.
For years, smackheads relied on the tried-and-true catchphrases of "Lend us ten pence fo' bus maaate" and "Lend us ten pence t' phone me dad maaaaate", but in today's society with neither a phonebox nor peasant wagon in sight, these tissue-thin ploys are failing to convince even the simplest of victims.
Though demand - and consequently the price - for heroin has fallen in recent years thanks largely to the closure of the addiction's main feeder stream, Holgate School, many smackheads are still struggling to make ends meet.
Anyone wishing to attend the event should meet at Turkey Circle at 9.30am, where they will be safely escorted to the venue, conga-style, by local empathist and sympathiser David Human-Write. While refreshments will be provided, no heroin will be available on the day so shooting-up in advance is recommended.
Attendees are also encouraged to write down any suggestions, ideas or questions they have beforehand lest they forget them in their drug-fueled stupor once the consultation has started.
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