Barnsley town centre was on lockdown this morning as a woman ran amok with a large knife, stabbing one person. Police declared the situation as a "major incident", warning pubs might have to close for up to an hour.
One witness, who didn't provide his name because he couldn't pronounce it, told us "it wa one o' them foreigners, she 'ad a scarf on 'er 'ead and wer shoutin' in Muslim".
The incident occurred at around 8.20am- typically a busy time in the town centre as pubs re-open at 8.19am after closing for half an hour so the carpets can be sprayed with Febreze.
Local landlord, Dave Tetley-Brewer, spoke of the ensuing confusion; "Folk dint know what t' do. Thi dint know whither t' go art an' shart racial abuse an' "COME ON THEN!", or just ignore it an' 'ave a few moor pints"
Indeed, the state of confusion amongst onlookers was such that the attacker was able to drop her handbag while pursuing her victim and return several minutes later to find it still in the same place.
Police investigations were initially hampered as they were forced to wade knee-deep through takeaway cartons and sick in their search for evidence, though sniffer dogs were quickly deployed to dispose of last night's left-over kebabs and officers scored a lucky break when they realised the weapon had been thrown in a litter bin and as such was the only item in there.
While one person sustained minor injuries, many more are believed to have been left famished as Greggs was forced to close its doors until police deemed it safe for shops to re-open.
A 28 year old woman was arrested at the scene and will appear in the stocks outside Barnsley town hall next Wednesday, where local residents will be encouraged to throw cold chips and empty pint pots at her.
A satirical look at all the news and happenings in the idyllic hamlet of Barnsley
