Darfield Resident Finds Kipper Jackson's Face in Crumpet

A Darfield resident got the surprise of her life this week when she discovered the face of famed music-hall entertainer Kipper Jackson in her breakfast crumpet. 

The lady, who wishes to remain anonymous, said when she took it out of the packet it was just like any normal crumpet, however upon removing it from the toaster it was emblazoned with the image of the legendary singer.

The incident caused quite a flurry of excitement, with neighbours flocking to her door to see the apparition, and as such the lady swiftly ate the crumpet before the situation could get out of hand. Unfortunately, therefore, no photographic evidence of the miracle exists, though her husband confirms he saw it himself and they definitely, definitely didn't just make the whole thing up.

In unrelated news, local narcissist and former cricket referee Dickie Bird was spotted in Fosters Bakery shortly after this story broke, allegedly placing an order for 10,000 teacakes with a picture of his face baked in.

BREAKING: Man in Hiding After Voting Tory

A Barnsley man is in hiding tonight after accidentally voting Conservative in the local elections. He blamed the mistake on his illiteracy, though friends suspect it may have been intentional and that he may have started thinking for himself, claiming he had been acting strange and using "big words" in the days leading up to the ballot.

His dad, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being cast out of his local working men's club, spoke of the shame his son had brought on the family; "Tha dunt jus' go rarnd pickin' an' chooesin' 'oo tha vooets fo'! It's 'eredetry - tha vooets fo' 'oo thi fatha vooeted fo'. 'Is no son o' mine".

Within minutes of the results being announced, social media was alive with theories and speculation about who had cast the solitary Conservative vote, and a lynch mob had soon congregated in Peel Square targeting anyone wearing or carrying anything blue, though fortunately Police were able to disperse the group before any bottles of WKD got smashed.

It is thought the man will now have to be given a new identity and relocated to somewhere in the 21st century.

Barnsley Manager Has Teeth Stolen

The Barnsley football manager has had his teeth stolen after an incident in the tunnel with the opposing team's manager following last weekend's match.

While investigations are still ongoing, Police have said these are merely a formality as the accused is a scouser so he definitely, definitely did it. 

However, speaking on behalf of the accused, Dave Spokesperson said that he (the accused) categorically denied all allegations and that the teeth were already laying on the floor when he entered the tunnel and that he was unaware of who the owner was so deemed it "finders-keepers".

The man was briefly taken into custody for questioning but was not found to be in possession of the teeth at this time, though Police are working on the theory that they are still in the Barnsley area, and say they are easily identifiable given that they are the only teeth in the Barnsley area. 

A reward of 50,000 pints has been offered for their safe return.

History of Holgate Book to be Released

A new book detailing the history of Holgate school is to be published at the end of this month, and we gained an exclusive interview with author David Writeswell to get the lowdown:

BAGPTL: So David, firstly, what prompted you to pen your new book, "Holgate, A Pictorial History"?

David Writeswell: Well Shona, Holgate school as you know had a very long and mostly-prosperous history in the town, but with the exception of Parky constantly banging on about it in his pretence that he is proud of his roots, much of it goes unnoticed.

BAGPTL: Could you give us some examples, perhaps, of what Holgate should be remembered for?

David: Well, obviously the school is probably most famous for its pioneering efforts to develop heroin addiction, but did you know they also had the largest collection of Victorian wooden school desks still in everyday use in the country? Or that they were the last school to still use gas lamps for lighting the classrooms?

BAGPTL: I didn't know that David - every day is indeed a school day! What else?

David: Well, in a similar vein, Holgate was a very traditional school and was proud of its heritage. It was a sad day in 1997 when they finally stopped using slates and brought in the quill. In fact it was a step too far for many - that year saw the largest amount of teacher resignations in the school's 700 year history, many of whom had taught there from day one. In fact that marked a significant turning point, as the "new breed" of teachers brought in to replace them, and their new modern thinking, eventually saw the introduction of BBC Micro computers in the late 2000's. That was the death knell for the school and its traditional values that separated it from all the others in the borough.

BAGPTL: Who would have thought the humble quill could have caused such a downward spiral?

David: Indeed! And these are the kind of largely-unknown topics discussed in my book, "Holgate, A Pictorial History". Here's another one for you - did you know they tried to bring back glue sniffing? Yes it's true. In the mid-90's, a good decade after glue sniffing had gone out of favour and been largely forgotten about, Holgate tried to revitalise the trend by introducing videos on the subject into its sex-ed classes. But sadly that was another failure, there just wasn't the interest. Smack had become popular by then, so the school decided to refocus its efforts on that instead.

BAGPTL: And we all know how that turned out - arguably the school's swansong?

David: It was, but it does tend to overshadow all their other achievements. Hopefully my new book, "Holgate, A Pictorial History" will bring all those other achievements to the fore again.

BAGPTL: As the title of your new book, "Holgate, A Pictorial History" suggests, readers can look forward to a raft of photos?

David: Yes and no: there are indeed many photos, taken on the school's flagship-model pinhole camera that I managed to rescue before its demolition, but as the school decor changed very little over the years - for example when it closed in 2012 it still boasted the same Victorian-era paint on the walls - the book's photographs focus more on the unique features of the school, such as its abundance of goff-pits and portacabin's used as classrooms.

BAGPTL: Holgate school had many notable alumni - do any of them feature in the book?

David: I did try and make contact with several past-students, I was particularly interested in getting a "then and now" photo. But when faced with the prospect of actually returning to Barnsley, Parky got rather agitated and slammed the phone down on me, and no-one's seen Sam Nixon since the mid-2000's. Of course Dickie Bird was more than happy to be involved even though he didn't actually attend Holgate school, so there are several photos of him holding his forefinger up.

BAGPTL: Well I for one am very much looking forward to getting hold of a copy of your new book David. Thank you for your time today and best of luck.


David's book, "Holgate, A Pictorial History" will be released under the Barnsley Chronicle imprint on March 31st, with a second, proof-read edition scheduled for the end of the year.

Spice - Barnsley Born & Bred

As the new drug sensation "Spice" makes national news, Barnsley is to keen to remind people that they had it first.

Spice in Barnsley used to mean "sweets", as in, "let's gu' shop furra bag o' spice", or "giz ten pence-w'rth o' spice", but in recent years it has acquired a darker connotation.

Since the demise of Holgate School and its popular heroin-addiction programme in 2012, binners in Barnsley have been forced to seek alternative methods to justify their criminality, resulting in the invention of Spice - an ill-informed choice of name that has led to children as young as 3 getting hooked on the drug when all they wanted was a quarter of kopp kops.

Critics are divided on the matter, with some saying that if children were taught to speak properly in the first place they wouldn't end up purchasing drugs instead of sweets, while others argue that nicotine is a drug and yet no-one has managed to prevent Barnsley's under 5's from acquiring them along with their daily purchase of Mad Dog 20/20.

Redevelopment Woes

The ill-fated town centre redevelopment project took another turn for the worse today as it was announced that it is now not projected to be completed until 2027.

Last year it was revealed that Barnsley Council had blown its entire contingency budget - money intended to bribe retailers into the newly-created units - prompting fears that the project would end up being another Alhambra Centre (the town's current main shopping centre that in its near-30 year history has never managed to simultaneously fill all of its half-dozen units, and that has an atmosphere as soulless as Coventry).

With experts predicting the complete end of high street retail as early as 2022, however, the concern now is that the new centre will never actually be occupied - despite assurances from the town's three biggest employers, Poundland, Greggs and Wetherspoon, that they will occupy all 400 units on a rolling 10-year lease.

We asked the council how something that was supposedly in the planning for nearly 20 years could turn into such a monumental shambles, but no one was available for comment - though we did find some rough drawings of the new centre on the back of a discarded fag packet in the council smoking den, suggesting that the planning stage had indeed been given the council's usual professional attention.

Neither could we confirm rumours that the council had decided to cut its losses and demolish the entire town centre altogether, replacing it with a giant taxi rank and train station to ferry people to the local first-world cities of Leeds and Sheffield to do their shopping.

Chronicle Failed Attempt to Hire Proofreader

Barnsley Chronicle found themselves in hot water with the LGBT community this week after publishing a bungled job advertisement.

After decades of carrying on regardless the Chronicle decided it was time to hire a proofreader, but  unfortunately, in a rather ironic move, they accidentally printed the job title as "Poof Radar". The error provoked a mass demonstration outside the newspaper's offices, where protesters waved placards and threw chips at the windows and any staff taking a fag break.

When we attempted to speak to Chronicle representative, Dave Wright-Owt, he declined our request - though he did provide us with a written statement which we shall publish here in full when we've corrected all the spelling and grammatical errors.