Residents in State of Panic

Residents in Goldthorpe are said to be in a state of panic as job vacancies get closer to home.

The areas surrounding the former coal-mining village have enjoyed a boon of re-development over the last 20 years that has seen thousands of well-paid, low-skilled job vacancies created, though fortunately all a horse and cart-ride away which has prevented the residents of Goldthorpe - whose Special Brew-lined streets are impassable to the humble steed - from accessing them.

Concerns started to set in, however, when Aldi opened a warehouse within walking distance of Goldthorpe high street- an event which saw requests for leg amputations at Mexborough hospital rocket to record levels.

Local resident, Cole Minor, talked to us about his fears; "Fo' thetty-odd years wiv bin able t' use Thatcher as a reason not t' w'rk, n' ivry one's bought it, but nar the' goin' n' meckin jobs in sight of us arzes wer runnin' art a' excuses - wer f*cked".

It seems that not everyone views this as a doomsday scenario though; Goldthorpe's under-11 contingent, which account for approximately 90% of the demographic, are seeing this as a golden opportunity to come out from the chimneys and spend more time drinking, which in turn casts a promising outlook for local Michelin-starred winery and restaurant The Rusty Dudley who are predicting a 7000% increase in sales of Mad Dog 20/20 by the year end.